I just figured out why I’m such a procrastinator, I have a bed. 

They say on your first day of jail you’re supposed to beat somebody up. But what are you supposed to do on your last day of jail? I say hugs are in order. 

There are two types of people in this world. The kind of people who slice their pizza into triangle pieces that meet in the middle. And then there are those people who shouldn’t be allowed to hold a pizza cutter. 

When I floss my teeth it doesn’t actually feel like I’m cleaning but more like I’m cross pollinating plaque.

I wonder if Mexican people named Jesus ever get frustrated when someone yells ‘Hey, Zeus’ at some dude named Zeus. 

Feeling down? Need something to bring up your spirits? Don’t worry. Just remember who you are, not Fred Durst.